Urge

I got the urge to write today. An urge that I have not had in many months. An urge, that honestly, I thought had been decimated in the chaotic cyclonic conflagration that was my world for most of last year.

As with most of what remains in the aftermath of destruction it does not seem to resemble its old self. So distorted is the appearance that I am not even sure it is what it appears to be. Maybe I am merely caught in the delusion of the eye’s calm beguile and not truly through to the other side. I have that feeling, that sinking one that we get in the very pit of our being, the one that warns of something, something coming, something bad coming.

Am I being overly dramatic? Am I being paranoid? Am I being self-destructive? Am I letting old scars overwhelm me?

This urge, while it has the tool….writing…..it resembles nothing else.

That is not my normal method. I am not a born writer. Writing is not the URGE! Sharing, knowledge, learning, thinking, questioning….that is the URGE. Writing has just become the means by which to exercise the urge. Discourse, dialogue, speaking, listening, conversing could just as easily be the means and even a more desirable one for its intimacy, intensity, immediacy, mobility and emotionality.  But, writing is the one that only requires me and no one else, while the other means requires the attendance and participation of at least somebody or anybody but cannot be accomplished with nobody.

Thus, I wonder, why the urge to write and why today? And what am I supposed to write about?  The about has always been my urge before. It is the topic or subject matter or message that has always created the urge in the past. It was the about that screamed to be told that created the urge that became the writing; not, the writing that created the urge to find an about.

So here I sit trying to figure out  why I have an urge without the about and how to discover the about so that the urge can be relieved and I feel as foreboding as the gray clouds covering the sky in the chill that is so rare for this little town on the river.