Iskrena Istina

reflective-thinkingI am one of those people that believes in the good in others and the world. That doing good brings good.

However, I would never tell someone that something bad has happened to that it happened because they are a bad person, then I would tell them, that bad things do happen to good people.

But, then there is the saying when something bad happens to someone ‘bad’, we say they got what they deserved.

Broken Isnt BadAnd I know that we can all relate to the person that seems to always get it all, even though they are the worst person, especially to others.

So, what’s the real truth?
If we do our best to be good people doing good as much as possible, do good things happen to us?

And if bad things happen to us, is it just bad luck or did we somehow deserve it?

What is good? What is bad?

Now to throw another variable into the mix, I totally believe in free will, that we make our own choices. We, alone decide how we behave and how we treat others and what decisions we make. Even when we follow someone else’s advise or direction, it is our own choice to do so. And I also believe that all actions have consequences whether good or bad, seen or unseen.

Missing The Mark BetterI believe in some combination of destiny and making our own way. That while the universe or karma or gods or God might have some higher purpose or plan for us, we decide whether or not to follow it or to fulfill it or to live up to our potential.

But, do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try, you just don’t get a break? That for every step forward that you think you are taking, someone or something comes along and pushes you 2 steps back. Or that you spend more time side-stepping road blocks or naysayers and thus you theoretically stay in the same place instead of getting closer to your dreams.

chasing dreamsAre you ever confused about what your dreams really are? Do you doubt why you are doing what you are doing? Are the dreams you are chasing yours or the ones you have been told by others to follow? What if you have been following the dreams others told you were yours for so long that you have no dreams of your own? How do you create or discover your own dreams?

Then what? What if by luck you think that you figure out what your dream is, what do you do with it? How do you realize it? How do you make your dream the focus of your life? How do you have a good life reaching your dream in a world whose only focus seems to be money? Unless the dream is only to be rich; but, then again, how?

truth next exitIf you have read this far, then you may be asking yourself, so what is the honest truth that she is talking about?

The truth is, that if any of what I have said resonates with you, you are not alone! And if you do not have answers to any of the above dilemmas, again, you are not alone!

I have been trying to figure out a lot of the above questions and find the right answers to them and so far I do not feel like I have any of them. And while, I tend to be a very private person about my own struggles, and prefer to do what I can to help others, maybe I can try to share some of my struggles in hopes of helping out someone else with their own. If providing nothing more than a feeling of not being alone in this!

Enough

I. Am. Chaos.
I push and I pull
Even when I pull I am pushing
I am nothing and I am too much
Never just enough.

If you like me
You like me a lot until you don’t
If you hate me
You hate me a lot until I am not
Apathy is not enough.

If you know me
You don’t
If you don’t know me
You do
Maybe you think that is enough.

Seasons change
Years leave
Memories made fade
Just dust in the wind
Can’t that be enough.

Want. Desire. Need.
Things just out of reach
Dreamy mist scattered with light
Just one more wish is all
That would be enough.

 

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

How Can I Know?

It is ironic how life sometimes chooses to teach us lessons. You are going along with your day to day challenges, trying to be better today than you were yesterday. You finally think that you might be figuring things out. You finally think you have a direction and purpose in life. That you might just have a place in this crazy messed up chaotic world we exist in. And if you are the insanely hopeful you might even had the totally ridiculous idea that your purpose might make a difference, not a whole new world kinda of difference, but maybe just a little tiny ripple in the great big huge pond of life.

And when you feel like you are standing on the ground, even if you know it is only sand and not bedrock, but you are at least standing on the sand and not sinking in it, at least not above your toes….yes, ever the optimist and yes, it is a curse not a blessing; life looks down and sees your beginnings of peace and BAM! She has other ideas for you. How dare you think that you are enough for making a difference, making a change, feeling a level of success and having hope! You are not worthy, have you not paid attention to the things that you do, to how you treat others, to the way you move through the world.

Girl, you’ve got EVERYTHING to learn before you can go thinking that you have any right to do anything that might make a difference in the world. Life laughs at you and muses, ‘what’s that saying about cleaning up your own house before you go trying to tell others how to’….. To say you are messed up, well that would mean that you have made some progress; and let me tell you missy, you have not! You have been deluding yourself, thinking that you are good and nice and helpful!

You say ‘Please.’ and ‘Thank you.’ …… Big F*ing Deal, those are just words! Don’t you know words come in two forms empty and worthless and sincere and truthful! So you have manners, that doesn’t mean that you are nice or sincere or good, it ONLY means that you have manners.

You have a high IQ….. Big F*ing Deal! That doesn’t mean that you know a damn thing! What good is having a foundation if you NEVER build a house?!?! So you have potential, but what have you ever REALLY done with it?

You think you are good and nice…….REALLY!?!?!?! Do tell, I am all ears!!! How many homeless have you helped feed this month? None, oh okay. Well, how many animals have to saved this year? None, again???? Well, I am sure that if we keep going that we can find something, somewhere…….I know, how many books have you read to children this week? None, really? I thought you liked books and reading; you do? Just not sharing them, I see. So your Facebook posts are for others and not yourself, nice! Got that #hashtag activism down I see! How many articles of clothing have you donated this year to the poor? None, again…..but, don’t you have a stack of them in your closet to go, but what you cannot be bothered to make a special trip out of your way for such a thing! Okay, let’s go easy for you…..how much money have your donated to charity this past month? $1 …….. WOW! ONE WHOLE dollar! You must have really gone out of your way for that one! I don’t guess that I have to point out the obvious, considering that you have such a high IQ, do I????

No, trust me, letting the person I respect most in the world, make the observation about how I really am……… well, let’s just say that it certainly got the point across better than a sucker punch!

Yes, life certainly has a way! I, honestly, would have never on my own taken a long hard look at how I interact with others and how that interaction comes off. And seeing it now, well, it has knocked all the wind out of my sails and it has left me dazed and confused to say the least…..but, most of all, I am overwhelmed with shame and guilt that I have believed that I was someone good and honest and sincere, when it was the exact opposite that was true!

Now, the reality or truth…..I have spent pretty much my whole adult life trying to be a better person today than I was yesterday, trying to help others, trying to do good and right, trying to speak up for those that did not have a voice or the courage to use it, trying to support and encourage those around me, those that I love and care about to be happy and be good and follow their dreams and make the world a better place…..for what? To keep pretending that I was good or nice? To hide that I am not?

What is reality or truth? I was told in a PJ Orientation Course that I was right, when I stated that the truth was what one believed. Yet, here I was believing that I was a good person, to find out that I have absolutely NO IDEA, what I am! If I have been so very wrong about my views and my self-awareness for so long, then how can I know what is truth and what is just wishful thinking????

Letter Never Sent

Dear Love,

I know that I have never been easy. I know that most of the time I have been more than difficult. Each day with you I seem to find another broken piece of me. I knew before you that I was not whole and that I was cracked; but, I never knew just how completely broken I was. I have come to the conclusion that there is no part of me that is not broken. It is simply a matter of just how broken the parts of me are. I have tried to fit my pieces back together, yet, there are so many pieces that I am not capable. I have tried to put up a wall to hide the shattered remains that are my heart and soul, and it falls and crumbles to the ground.

In front of me you stand so solid and strong and complete. You are beautiful. You are perfection. You are everything that I wish I was. You are beautiful and I am plain. You are colorful and I am monochrome. You are strong and I am pieces. You are success and I am ruins. You are the empire and I am the lost. You are the Sun and I am the shadow. You are the Moon and I am the darkness. You are the stars and I am the dust.

So I sit in my corner and try to pick up my pieces. Then the gales blow and they are scattered again. I sit in my corner and try to fit the pieces together. Then the hail comes and knocks them down again. I sit in my corner and try to color my pieces. Then the darkness comes and hides it all. Every time I try, it is not enough.

You are there forever in my view. I am forever in love with you. So I stay in my corner and I keep trying, even when I am lost, even when I am tired, even when I am defeated, even when I am alone. I hope and pray that you see me trying and that it matters to you. I hope and pray that you will be patient with me. I hope that you will not give up on me.

I hope…..

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Yes! So What?

Yes, I believe in fairies
and look for their rings
everywhere….
So What!

Yes, I believe in luck
and look for rainbows
after every storm….
So What!

Yes, I believe in hope
and look for right
in every wrong….
So What!

Yes, I believe in courage
and look for the warrior
in everyone…
So What!

Yes, I believe in Santa
and look for giving
everyday….
So What!

Yes, I believe in magic
and look for charm
in everything….
So What!

Yes, I believe in kindness
and do my best deed
every chance…..
So What!

Yes, I believe in dreams
and voice my wishes
every night…..
So What!

Yes, I believe…..
So What???

 

Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash