I’ll Go

Hi, I am Cassi, and I am an over-thinker! Yes, that’s me. I always have been, more so as I have gotten older. I guess it comes from my overly curious nature. I ALWAYS want to know EVERYTHING about something! And if something happens in my world/life, then I want to know all of the why did that happen!

I admit that I am not so much a ‘What If’er’ but after the fact I will replay and dissect and analyze and ponder and wonder every part of every conversation or action or whatever that happened. I am constantly thinking. I have had people ask me, how do you have time to think all the things that you come up with? Easy, my brain is always pursuing multiple lines of thoughts. I have a very hard time shutting my brain off.

I jokingly ‘confess’ to people that I have a chaotically random brain. Most people do not like to have conversations with me and I get that. I mean seriously, how many people want to maybe do the ‘polite’ ‘social’ small talk of weather knowing that it is liable to end up in a plethora of questioning genome dispersal in disassociation to dogma ‘out of Africa’ migration movement. And yes, my brain can easily make the connections from ‘nice weather we’re having today’ to genome dispersal.

Thus, I make every effort to keep my mouth tightly guarded. Over the years I have been fortunate enough to meet a couple people that seemed to be intrigued by my mental aerobatics, and I have been very thankful for those couple of people, even when life diverged our paths. Even more so, due to the fact that if even intrigued, I am sure that I am still VERY much a challenge to deal with.

My solution is to try not to interact too much with people, cause the desire to have these conversations is overwhelming at times. The flip-side is that I am SO happy when I am blessed with someone that actually wants to engage me in conversation, that I can become like a broken damn.

As if all that isn’t enough to make me ‘weird’ enough, I have never been good with the social/relationship games; and, that can lead to all kinds of issues. If I am comfortable with you and like you then I have the awful tendency to say just what comes to my mind without always thinking it through first. Ironically, to be such an over-thinker, I am a very spontaneously, impulsively, emotional Girl! And that is a challenging combination.

Add to that that I am a really good friend. A loyal, to the point of stupidity, friend. An ALWAYS there for you no matter what, where, or when friend. An “I don’t just have your back, but I will jump in front if someone messes with you” friend. And, honestly, you do not even have to be a good or close friend for that …… they get that tenfold ….. and a best friend…… well, that is tenfold of that.

So where am I headed with all this rambling…… in today’s world I have ALL the wrong qualities and none of the right ones. I am not rich or beautiful. I don’t wear designer clothes or have lots of things. I don’t even wear make-up or style my hair (other than a ponytail or braid). I am the proverbial fish out of water.

I admit that I see the world entirely from a different point of view than most people do. The things that matter to me, do not matter to most people and vise versa. And overall, I am okay with that, in fact I am kinda proud of that fact. That being said I know that no one around me is proud of that fact about me. Matter of fact, they all seem to almost despise that fact about me. But, I digress.

As I stated previously, I have prided myself, not on being the richest or the prettiest or the most successful or the most/best whatever’est, but on being a good person and with that a good friend. That might, okay, it usually means that I am the ‘different’ friend, the one that reacts differently or sees things that no one else sees. Cause, if I have made the effort to call you friend, you matter to me; your health matters to me; your joy matters to me; your dreams matter to me; in short, your everything matters to me.

What does that mean? It means that more than likely, I am your biggest fan, your most active supporter, your most ardent defender, your most gung-ho protector. Not that you may need me to be any of those things, nor that I think you need me to be any of those things; but, because in my mind and heart that is what you do for a friend.

Yes, I get that most people do not do a lot of those things or think that way about their friends; nor do they expect any of the above from their friends either. And it should be stated that I do not expect it from those that call me friend. However, that knowledge will not stop me from being who I am when I consider you friend. I, honestly, think that fact loses me friends. But that’s life. It certainly, upsets friends when I do display any of those qualities, unless the friend has actually asked for the quality to be used/displayed/given, then, it is usually much better received.

All things considered, I try to take the good with the bad; not just in others but in myself as well. Like, in this post, I wondered off topic somehow and never got back around to the point that I wanted to make……so I will have to find that point again and the thoughts going with that point for next time.

I Try

It starts as just a feeling,
Just this faint little nag,
A little shadow in the back of my mind
It sits and waits

It waits for the sun to rise and fall,
Then in the dark it grows
Just a little at first
Just a whisper, a wonder

It waits for the silence to show
It knows that silence echos the whisper
It sends the whisper to fill the silence
Just a thought, a question

I try to ignore the rise and fall of the sun
I try to encourage the voices in my head
To keep out the silence
To drown the whisper

I repeat words heard
I whisper wishes in the dark
I grab emotions to hold tight
I beg for what I need most

I sit and wait
I wonder and think
I converse with the voices in my head
I imagine a different day

Rise and Fall
Step Forward
Step Backwards
Fall Down and Stand Back Up

 

Photo byΒ Sasha FreemindΒ onΒ Unsplash