Enough

I. Am. Chaos.
I push and I pull
Even when I pull I am pushing
I am nothing and I am too much
Never just enough.

If you like me
You like me a lot until you don’t
If you hate me
You hate me a lot until I am not
Apathy is not enough.

If you know me
You don’t
If you don’t know me
You do
Maybe you think that is enough.

Seasons change
Years leave
Memories made fade
Just dust in the wind
Can’t that be enough.

Want. Desire. Need.
Things just out of reach
Dreamy mist scattered with light
Just one more wish is all
That would be enough.

 

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Through Purgatory And Back

So as you may remember, I was accused of being ‘not nice to people different from me’. When the charge was leveled, I was completely shocked. I was dumbfounded. I was lost. I was confused. I was destroyed. I was numb. I was everything. I was nothing.

My mind and heart both split in two. No, I could not be mean and hateful and not know it. No, the accuser could not be wrong. I was spiraled into purgatory.

In the first few hours that followed, I raked my brain for EVERY instance of ‘meanness’ that I could come up with……and I was falling VERY short of a statistical pattern to support the charge. But, as the destroyed numbness wore off…. I HAD to know the truth….I HAD to find the answers……

I changed my focus……my accuser could NOT be wrong…..thus to prove their accuracy, I HAD to find evidence that could and would support their charge. And with that focus and determination, over the ensuing hours I found TONS of evidence to support their charge. I was able to turn just about every interaction with others into at least a borderline if not a full-blown support of their charge.

So, with that information in my mental hand, I proceeded to rip myself to shreds….And trust me, I am an expert at self-destructive shredding! By the time that I was finished with myself, whatever ego/self-confidence/self-worth/sense of purpose I had had was a crying, whimpering, fetal position, ball of nothingness.

Then came the ‘what now’ or ‘what’s next’ phase of the process……so if I hold my findings to be the honest truth, where does that leave me? What does that mean? What does that say about me? How can I expect to do or be better if I never saw my meanness from the beginning? You will shut down. You will quit. You will not move forward. You will not continue down the path that you were taking. You will not pursue any path till you can find one that will ensure that you will not display or feel any meanness again.

Okay, so how do I do that? How do I shut down, without causing any notice? How do I quit without having to admit to quitting? How do I stay put without anyone noticing that I am not moving forward, pursing my path? How do I ensure that a path will not have any chance of my displaying meanness?

UGH! How am I suppose to figure this out???? I need a break…..I am sick, literally. I am tired, literally (only getting a couple hours of sleep in the last 48). The noise in my brain is deafening. My only option to get my brain to quite down is to play a game. I have about 3 or 4 that rotate through when I need my brain to quite down to a dull roar.

So Game Time It Is……..

Wait……wait…..what was that……..hold on a sec…….to steal a few lines from a song …… it’s so hard to believe…..there were nights so cold…..days when tears turned to dust……I finished crying in an instant…..it’s all coming back…..there were moments….there were flashes…..it was lost long ago…..if you need me like that…..things I would never do again…..always seemed so right…..it was dead long ago…..I can barely recall….but it’s all coming back….hours that went on for days…..when you see me like this …. I see you like that…..we see what we want…..all coming back…..we forgive and forget…..we see just what we want to see….and if we….

Now my brain can put the pieces together and I can see the bigger picture! Now, I know! I am not bad! I am not mean. I am not hateful. I am not some delusional joke.

I am me! I am a good person! I have a big heart! I am nice! At least until someone messes with someone that I care about or pushes me to the end of my rope. I care! Not just about myself, but about others too. I try! I try everyday!

Credit given; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEO4G-rG1wE

Featured Image Credit:Jesus P Hernandez from FreeImages

I’ll Go

Hi, I am Cassi, and I am an over-thinker! Yes, that’s me. I always have been, more so as I have gotten older. I guess it comes from my overly curious nature. I ALWAYS want to know EVERYTHING about something! And if something happens in my world/life, then I want to know all of the why did that happen!

I admit that I am not so much a ‘What If’er’ but after the fact I will replay and dissect and analyze and ponder and wonder every part of every conversation or action or whatever that happened. I am constantly thinking. I have had people ask me, how do you have time to think all the things that you come up with? Easy, my brain is always pursuing multiple lines of thoughts. I have a very hard time shutting my brain off.

I jokingly ‘confess’ to people that I have a chaotically random brain. Most people do not like to have conversations with me and I get that. I mean seriously, how many people want to maybe do the ‘polite’ ‘social’ small talk of weather knowing that it is liable to end up in a plethora of questioning genome dispersal in disassociation to dogma ‘out of Africa’ migration movement. And yes, my brain can easily make the connections from ‘nice weather we’re having today’ to genome dispersal.

Thus, I make every effort to keep my mouth tightly guarded. Over the years I have been fortunate enough to meet a couple people that seemed to be intrigued by my mental aerobatics, and I have been very thankful for those couple of people, even when life diverged our paths. Even more so, due to the fact that if even intrigued, I am sure that I am still VERY much a challenge to deal with.

My solution is to try not to interact too much with people, cause the desire to have these conversations is overwhelming at times. The flip-side is that I am SO happy when I am blessed with someone that actually wants to engage me in conversation, that I can become like a broken damn.

As if all that isn’t enough to make me ‘weird’ enough, I have never been good with the social/relationship games; and, that can lead to all kinds of issues. If I am comfortable with you and like you then I have the awful tendency to say just what comes to my mind without always thinking it through first. Ironically, to be such an over-thinker, I am a very spontaneously, impulsively, emotional Girl! And that is a challenging combination.

Add to that that I am a really good friend. A loyal, to the point of stupidity, friend. An ALWAYS there for you no matter what, where, or when friend. An “I don’t just have your back, but I will jump in front if someone messes with you” friend. And, honestly, you do not even have to be a good or close friend for that …… they get that tenfold ….. and a best friend…… well, that is tenfold of that.

So where am I headed with all this rambling…… in today’s world I have ALL the wrong qualities and none of the right ones. I am not rich or beautiful. I don’t wear designer clothes or have lots of things. I don’t even wear make-up or style my hair (other than a ponytail or braid). I am the proverbial fish out of water.

I admit that I see the world entirely from a different point of view than most people do. The things that matter to me, do not matter to most people and vise versa. And overall, I am okay with that, in fact I am kinda proud of that fact. That being said I know that no one around me is proud of that fact about me. Matter of fact, they all seem to almost despise that fact about me. But, I digress.

As I stated previously, I have prided myself, not on being the richest or the prettiest or the most successful or the most/best whatever’est, but on being a good person and with that a good friend. That might, okay, it usually means that I am the ‘different’ friend, the one that reacts differently or sees things that no one else sees. Cause, if I have made the effort to call you friend, you matter to me; your health matters to me; your joy matters to me; your dreams matter to me; in short, your everything matters to me.

What does that mean? It means that more than likely, I am your biggest fan, your most active supporter, your most ardent defender, your most gung-ho protector. Not that you may need me to be any of those things, nor that I think you need me to be any of those things; but, because in my mind and heart that is what you do for a friend.

Yes, I get that most people do not do a lot of those things or think that way about their friends; nor do they expect any of the above from their friends either. And it should be stated that I do not expect it from those that call me friend. However, that knowledge will not stop me from being who I am when I consider you friend. I, honestly, think that fact loses me friends. But that’s life. It certainly, upsets friends when I do display any of those qualities, unless the friend has actually asked for the quality to be used/displayed/given, then, it is usually much better received.

All things considered, I try to take the good with the bad; not just in others but in myself as well. Like, in this post, I wondered off topic somehow and never got back around to the point that I wanted to make……so I will have to find that point again and the thoughts going with that point for next time.

How Can I Know?

It is ironic how life sometimes chooses to teach us lessons. You are going along with your day to day challenges, trying to be better today than you were yesterday. You finally think that you might be figuring things out. You finally think you have a direction and purpose in life. That you might just have a place in this crazy messed up chaotic world we exist in. And if you are the insanely hopeful you might even had the totally ridiculous idea that your purpose might make a difference, not a whole new world kinda of difference, but maybe just a little tiny ripple in the great big huge pond of life.

And when you feel like you are standing on the ground, even if you know it is only sand and not bedrock, but you are at least standing on the sand and not sinking in it, at least not above your toes….yes, ever the optimist and yes, it is a curse not a blessing; life looks down and sees your beginnings of peace and BAM! She has other ideas for you. How dare you think that you are enough for making a difference, making a change, feeling a level of success and having hope! You are not worthy, have you not paid attention to the things that you do, to how you treat others, to the way you move through the world.

Girl, you’ve got EVERYTHING to learn before you can go thinking that you have any right to do anything that might make a difference in the world. Life laughs at you and muses, ‘what’s that saying about cleaning up your own house before you go trying to tell others how to’….. To say you are messed up, well that would mean that you have made some progress; and let me tell you missy, you have not! You have been deluding yourself, thinking that you are good and nice and helpful!

You say ‘Please.’ and ‘Thank you.’ …… Big F*ing Deal, those are just words! Don’t you know words come in two forms empty and worthless and sincere and truthful! So you have manners, that doesn’t mean that you are nice or sincere or good, it ONLY means that you have manners.

You have a high IQ….. Big F*ing Deal! That doesn’t mean that you know a damn thing! What good is having a foundation if you NEVER build a house?!?! So you have potential, but what have you ever REALLY done with it?

You think you are good and nice…….REALLY!?!?!?! Do tell, I am all ears!!! How many homeless have you helped feed this month? None, oh okay. Well, how many animals have to saved this year? None, again???? Well, I am sure that if we keep going that we can find something, somewhere…….I know, how many books have you read to children this week? None, really? I thought you liked books and reading; you do? Just not sharing them, I see. So your Facebook posts are for others and not yourself, nice! Got that #hashtag activism down I see! How many articles of clothing have you donated this year to the poor? None, again…..but, don’t you have a stack of them in your closet to go, but what you cannot be bothered to make a special trip out of your way for such a thing! Okay, let’s go easy for you…..how much money have your donated to charity this past month? $1 …….. WOW! ONE WHOLE dollar! You must have really gone out of your way for that one! I don’t guess that I have to point out the obvious, considering that you have such a high IQ, do I????

No, trust me, letting the person I respect most in the world, make the observation about how I really am……… well, let’s just say that it certainly got the point across better than a sucker punch!

Yes, life certainly has a way! I, honestly, would have never on my own taken a long hard look at how I interact with others and how that interaction comes off. And seeing it now, well, it has knocked all the wind out of my sails and it has left me dazed and confused to say the least…..but, most of all, I am overwhelmed with shame and guilt that I have believed that I was someone good and honest and sincere, when it was the exact opposite that was true!

Now, the reality or truth…..I have spent pretty much my whole adult life trying to be a better person today than I was yesterday, trying to help others, trying to do good and right, trying to speak up for those that did not have a voice or the courage to use it, trying to support and encourage those around me, those that I love and care about to be happy and be good and follow their dreams and make the world a better place…..for what? To keep pretending that I was good or nice? To hide that I am not?

What is reality or truth? I was told in a PJ Orientation Course that I was right, when I stated that the truth was what one believed. Yet, here I was believing that I was a good person, to find out that I have absolutely NO IDEA, what I am! If I have been so very wrong about my views and my self-awareness for so long, then how can I know what is truth and what is just wishful thinking????

Realization

We find a dream,
We believe that dream,
We idolize that dream,
We trust that dream,
But it is just a dream.
What’s a dream anyway,
Messages from the universe,
Messages from our soul,
Messages from our heart,
Messages from our brain,
But what do they really mean.
What about trust,
Words we want to hear,
Actions we want to see,
Persons we want to believe,
Things we want to have,
But are they really true.
What do we believe,
Love for ourself,
Love for someone else,
Love for a place,
Love for a thing,
How can we know.
I want to have the dream,
I want to dream the dream,
I want to trust the dream,
I want to believe the dream,
I want to love the dream,
But I don’t know how.

Sleeptime

I hear the silence it is so very loud,
It vibrates ’round me like a bomb.
I hear the silence it is so very quiet,
It seeps in every corner of my being.

I hear the silence yelling from within,
I hear the silence deafening all around,
I hear the silence crushing everything,
I hear the silence screaming, screaming
I hear the silence.

I see the darkness it does not end,
It goes on and on like an empty void,
I see the darkness surrounding the flicker,
It glares hungrily at the center of me.

I see the darkness the black hole growing,
I see the darkness the abyss within,
I see the darkness seeping into corners,
I see the darkness staring back at me,
I see the darkness.

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Letter Never Sent

Dear Love,

I know that I have never been easy. I know that most of the time I have been more than difficult. Each day with you I seem to find another broken piece of me. I knew before you that I was not whole and that I was cracked; but, I never knew just how completely broken I was. I have come to the conclusion that there is no part of me that is not broken. It is simply a matter of just how broken the parts of me are. I have tried to fit my pieces back together, yet, there are so many pieces that I am not capable. I have tried to put up a wall to hide the shattered remains that are my heart and soul, and it falls and crumbles to the ground.

In front of me you stand so solid and strong and complete. You are beautiful. You are perfection. You are everything that I wish I was. You are beautiful and I am plain. You are colorful and I am monochrome. You are strong and I am pieces. You are success and I am ruins. You are the empire and I am the lost. You are the Sun and I am the shadow. You are the Moon and I am the darkness. You are the stars and I am the dust.

So I sit in my corner and try to pick up my pieces. Then the gales blow and they are scattered again. I sit in my corner and try to fit the pieces together. Then the hail comes and knocks them down again. I sit in my corner and try to color my pieces. Then the darkness comes and hides it all. Every time I try, it is not enough.

You are there forever in my view. I am forever in love with you. So I stay in my corner and I keep trying, even when I am lost, even when I am tired, even when I am defeated, even when I am alone. I hope and pray that you see me trying and that it matters to you. I hope and pray that you will be patient with me. I hope that you will not give up on me.

I hope…..

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

You Tell Me

You tell me I do not have to always change everything,
I wonder if you know all the things I accept,
You tell me I should find my own way,
I wonder if you know how long I walked alone,
You tell me I should do for myself,
I wonder what I am not doing right.

You tell me I am pretty,
I wonder when you saw me last,
You tell me I am smart,
I wonder if you see what I see,
You tell me my voice is heaven,
I wonder what I could say to you.

I tell you how amazing you are,
You smile and tell me, yes,
I tell you how special you are,
You smile and tell me, yes,
I tell you how talented you are,
You smile and tell me, yes.

I tell you how much I love you,
I wonder if you know what I mean,
I tell you how much I respect you,
I wonder if you know just how much,
I tell you how much I admire you,
I wonder if you see what I see in you.

You tell me Good Morning
I light up like the Sun,
You tell me I love you
My dreams come true,
You are my everything
One day I will deserve my everything

Broken Pieces

Broken pieces scattered on the wind,
Shards of what might have been,
Laying across the sands of life,
Buried under the stormy waves,
Little bits that colored not,
Each piece a lost bit.

Fragments of dreams and hopes,
Pieces of love and loss,
Blowing to distant shores,
Ending in places like no where,
Nameless and without direction,
Each piece a lost bit.

Missing endings that never come,
Stories only with middles,
No pages lovingly penned,
Just rumors that sail the winds,
No one saw the pain,
The scars that do not fade.

Silent screams rip through the night,
Sleepless dreams you cannot fight,
Tears of shame, loss, regret,
Accusations and judgement rendered yet,
Bring the relief, spare the pain,
Let the Executioner take my due.

 

Photo by ᴘᴀᴜʟ ᴋᴀᴘɪꜱᴄʜᴋᴀ on Unsplash

I Have

I have said too much,
I have confessed too much,
I have shown too much,
I have given too much.

I have been all wrong,
I have been all weak,
I have been all demanding,
I have been all needy.

I have done it wrong,
I have done it poorly,
I have done it lately,
I have done it shortly.

I have failed to be enough,
I have failed to be strong,
I have failed to be right,
I have failed to be good.

I have not done you right,
I have not done you good,
I have not done you proper,
I have not done you enough.

 

Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash