Through Purgatory And Back

So as you may remember, I was accused of being ‘not nice to people different from me’. When the charge was leveled, I was completely shocked. I was dumbfounded. I was lost. I was confused. I was destroyed. I was numb. I was everything. I was nothing.

My mind and heart both split in two. No, I could not be mean and hateful and not know it. No, the accuser could not be wrong. I was spiraled into purgatory.

In the first few hours that followed, I raked my brain for EVERY instance of ‘meanness’ that I could come up with……and I was falling VERY short of a statistical pattern to support the charge. But, as the destroyed numbness wore off…. I HAD to know the truth….I HAD to find the answers……

I changed my focus……my accuser could NOT be wrong…..thus to prove their accuracy, I HAD to find evidence that could and would support their charge. And with that focus and determination, over the ensuing hours I found TONS of evidence to support their charge. I was able to turn just about every interaction with others into at least a borderline if not a full-blown support of their charge.

So, with that information in my mental hand, I proceeded to rip myself to shreds….And trust me, I am an expert at self-destructive shredding! By the time that I was finished with myself, whatever ego/self-confidence/self-worth/sense of purpose I had had was a crying, whimpering, fetal position, ball of nothingness.

Then came the ‘what now’ or ‘what’s next’ phase of the process……so if I hold my findings to be the honest truth, where does that leave me? What does that mean? What does that say about me? How can I expect to do or be better if I never saw my meanness from the beginning? You will shut down. You will quit. You will not move forward. You will not continue down the path that you were taking. You will not pursue any path till you can find one that will ensure that you will not display or feel any meanness again.

Okay, so how do I do that? How do I shut down, without causing any notice? How do I quit without having to admit to quitting? How do I stay put without anyone noticing that I am not moving forward, pursing my path? How do I ensure that a path will not have any chance of my displaying meanness?

UGH! How am I suppose to figure this out???? I need a break…..I am sick, literally. I am tired, literally (only getting a couple hours of sleep in the last 48). The noise in my brain is deafening. My only option to get my brain to quite down is to play a game. I have about 3 or 4 that rotate through when I need my brain to quite down to a dull roar.

So Game Time It Is……..

Wait……wait…..what was that……..hold on a sec…….to steal a few lines from a song …… it’s so hard to believe…..there were nights so cold…..days when tears turned to dust……I finished crying in an instant…..it’s all coming back…..there were moments….there were flashes…..it was lost long ago…..if you need me like that…..things I would never do again…..always seemed so right…..it was dead long ago…..I can barely recall….but it’s all coming back….hours that went on for days…..when you see me like this …. I see you like that…..we see what we want…..all coming back…..we forgive and forget…..we see just what we want to see….and if we….

Now my brain can put the pieces together and I can see the bigger picture! Now, I know! I am not bad! I am not mean. I am not hateful. I am not some delusional joke.

I am me! I am a good person! I have a big heart! I am nice! At least until someone messes with someone that I care about or pushes me to the end of my rope. I care! Not just about myself, but about others too. I try! I try everyday!

Credit given; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEO4G-rG1wE

Featured Image Credit:Jesus P Hernandez from FreeImages

How Can I Know?

It is ironic how life sometimes chooses to teach us lessons. You are going along with your day to day challenges, trying to be better today than you were yesterday. You finally think that you might be figuring things out. You finally think you have a direction and purpose in life. That you might just have a place in this crazy messed up chaotic world we exist in. And if you are the insanely hopeful you might even had the totally ridiculous idea that your purpose might make a difference, not a whole new world kinda of difference, but maybe just a little tiny ripple in the great big huge pond of life.

And when you feel like you are standing on the ground, even if you know it is only sand and not bedrock, but you are at least standing on the sand and not sinking in it, at least not above your toes….yes, ever the optimist and yes, it is a curse not a blessing; life looks down and sees your beginnings of peace and BAM! She has other ideas for you. How dare you think that you are enough for making a difference, making a change, feeling a level of success and having hope! You are not worthy, have you not paid attention to the things that you do, to how you treat others, to the way you move through the world.

Girl, you’ve got EVERYTHING to learn before you can go thinking that you have any right to do anything that might make a difference in the world. Life laughs at you and muses, ‘what’s that saying about cleaning up your own house before you go trying to tell others how to’….. To say you are messed up, well that would mean that you have made some progress; and let me tell you missy, you have not! You have been deluding yourself, thinking that you are good and nice and helpful!

You say ‘Please.’ and ‘Thank you.’ …… Big F*ing Deal, those are just words! Don’t you know words come in two forms empty and worthless and sincere and truthful! So you have manners, that doesn’t mean that you are nice or sincere or good, it ONLY means that you have manners.

You have a high IQ….. Big F*ing Deal! That doesn’t mean that you know a damn thing! What good is having a foundation if you NEVER build a house?!?! So you have potential, but what have you ever REALLY done with it?

You think you are good and nice…….REALLY!?!?!?! Do tell, I am all ears!!! How many homeless have you helped feed this month? None, oh okay. Well, how many animals have to saved this year? None, again???? Well, I am sure that if we keep going that we can find something, somewhere…….I know, how many books have you read to children this week? None, really? I thought you liked books and reading; you do? Just not sharing them, I see. So your Facebook posts are for others and not yourself, nice! Got that #hashtag activism down I see! How many articles of clothing have you donated this year to the poor? None, again…..but, don’t you have a stack of them in your closet to go, but what you cannot be bothered to make a special trip out of your way for such a thing! Okay, let’s go easy for you…..how much money have your donated to charity this past month? $1 …….. WOW! ONE WHOLE dollar! You must have really gone out of your way for that one! I don’t guess that I have to point out the obvious, considering that you have such a high IQ, do I????

No, trust me, letting the person I respect most in the world, make the observation about how I really am……… well, let’s just say that it certainly got the point across better than a sucker punch!

Yes, life certainly has a way! I, honestly, would have never on my own taken a long hard look at how I interact with others and how that interaction comes off. And seeing it now, well, it has knocked all the wind out of my sails and it has left me dazed and confused to say the least…..but, most of all, I am overwhelmed with shame and guilt that I have believed that I was someone good and honest and sincere, when it was the exact opposite that was true!

Now, the reality or truth…..I have spent pretty much my whole adult life trying to be a better person today than I was yesterday, trying to help others, trying to do good and right, trying to speak up for those that did not have a voice or the courage to use it, trying to support and encourage those around me, those that I love and care about to be happy and be good and follow their dreams and make the world a better place…..for what? To keep pretending that I was good or nice? To hide that I am not?

What is reality or truth? I was told in a PJ Orientation Course that I was right, when I stated that the truth was what one believed. Yet, here I was believing that I was a good person, to find out that I have absolutely NO IDEA, what I am! If I have been so very wrong about my views and my self-awareness for so long, then how can I know what is truth and what is just wishful thinking????

Some Myths Won’t Die

There are plenty of ‘myths’ from around the world. And there are plenty of myths that seem to be world-wide. Every culture seems to have ‘myths’ that tell of their gods and heroes, their creation and the major events in their history. Some of the ‘myths’ have survived for thousands of years. Below we will highlight some of the ones that have out-lasted the civilizations that are credited with ‘creating’ the stories originally and briefly introduce them

The most common myths that won’t die:

atlantis_destruction_by_kosv01-d36mzjv
by Kosv01 @deviantART

Destruction of Atlantis/Mu/Lemuria – – we can find many stories of very ancient and very advanced civilizations that existed before the memory or time of ‘modern man’. The first accepted written account of Atlantis comes to us from Plato. Plato tells that his sources are priests from Egypt, which are probably based on even older sources. It is unknown if these sources were believed to be original or copied. His version of the story puts the destruction of Atlantis at approximately 9000 BCE. With an open mind one can place this time well in the end of the last Ice Age, which would have caused huge natural disasters as glaciers melted and sea levels rose quickly to reclaim thousands of meters of land all over the world. In addition to the rapid rise of sea level there would have been upheavals like earthquakes and landslides.

great flood via johnprattcom
via johnpratt.com

Creation and a Great Flood– – every culture has at least one story about the beginning of or at least ‘this beginning’ of time. Some myths tell of just the current time of man. Most creations tell that man was made from some ‘god’ or ‘gods’ that made man from dirt or clay or mud. In some myths ‘modern man’ is not the first man. Most common of these are the Greek beliefs that the world was occupied by titans and then the gods came and the golden man was made, then the iron man and now the bronze man. Another commonly know variation are the beliefs of the Hopi nation which marks ‘this time’ as the 5th time/world, meaning that ‘man’ has lived and been destroyed 4 previous times. Meanwhile, others in telling of their myths tell of how there was a ‘great flood’ that wiped out mankind; in many versions there was usually one couple that survived, but not all. Most survived in some wood construction, either a boat or ark or tree-trunk, while others climbed highest peaks of the world and a few even say they retreated to underground caverns. It also seems that there was some warning that these survivors heeded that allowed them to survive.

4964viracocha2via redicecreations
via redicecreations.com

Giver of Civilization — many cultures also have stories that after ‘creation’ and some time of man living in ‘darkness/dark ages’ there is then the arrival of some ‘god’ or ‘hero’ that gives them the knowledge to farm, to write, the gift of fire, in some cases laws and arts, as well, are given. In Greece, the gifts come from several ‘gods’, where as, in South America it is one ‘god’ with some helpers, in some of the ‘myths’ those helpers are giants. After these gifts are given and the people have the knowledge to live as civilized peoples, the ‘god’ or ‘hero’ then leaves the people and either returns to where they came from or move on to help other peoples. Except in Greece where the ‘gods’ seemed to stay in some contact with their peoples long after ‘civilization’.

Post-Apocalypse-London via secretsofthefed
via secretsofthefed.com

Apocalypse/End of Days — many cultures that have the above myths also have a myth that tells of the next end of time. There are several cultures that believe that life is a cycle, that ‘man’ (some intelligent species similar to us) rises until he is too high and then some major disaster happens that cause him to be exterminated; yet, life goes on and again ‘man’ rises from the rubble and starts his pursuit of ‘god’ status, until he falls again, as the myths tell us. Most of these cultures, as well as others, though do seem to have the final disaster in their collection as well, the difference seems to be, will there be anything after that final disaster.

Most anthropologists seem to believe that any given group of people will all on their own develop and design certain aspects of their advancement without any contact with any other group of people. Examples of this, anthropologists will give you, are Cinderella stories or farming or developing writing and all the other things that go along with that. But we have evidence that all cultures do not develop the same. The Maya were major builders but did not have the wheel. The Inca were amazing builders, as well, and thus, were great mathematicians, but, did not have writing. The Egyptians seem to have sprung forth fully developed, with all the components of advanced technology; yet, the Pygmies and many Amazonian tribes have never ‘advanced’ past small hunter gather tribal groups. So maybe there is more to the myths than anthropologists believe and we will explore some of the numerous exceptions to this textbook step by step guide of anthropological development that is the measure by which peoples are considered advanced and or civilized.