Through Purgatory And Back

So as you may remember, I was accused of being ‘not nice to people different from me’. When the charge was leveled, I was completely shocked. I was dumbfounded. I was lost. I was confused. I was destroyed. I was numb. I was everything. I was nothing.

My mind and heart both split in two. No, I could not be mean and hateful and not know it. No, the accuser could not be wrong. I was spiraled into purgatory.

In the first few hours that followed, I raked my brain for EVERY instance of ‘meanness’ that I could come up with……and I was falling VERY short of a statistical pattern to support the charge. But, as the destroyed numbness wore off…. I HAD to know the truth….I HAD to find the answers……

I changed my focus……my accuser could NOT be wrong…..thus to prove their accuracy, I HAD to find evidence that could and would support their charge. And with that focus and determination, over the ensuing hours I found TONS of evidence to support their charge. I was able to turn just about every interaction with others into at least a borderline if not a full-blown support of their charge.

So, with that information in my mental hand, I proceeded to rip myself to shreds….And trust me, I am an expert at self-destructive shredding! By the time that I was finished with myself, whatever ego/self-confidence/self-worth/sense of purpose I had had was a crying, whimpering, fetal position, ball of nothingness.

Then came the ‘what now’ or ‘what’s next’ phase of the process……so if I hold my findings to be the honest truth, where does that leave me? What does that mean? What does that say about me? How can I expect to do or be better if I never saw my meanness from the beginning? You will shut down. You will quit. You will not move forward. You will not continue down the path that you were taking. You will not pursue any path till you can find one that will ensure that you will not display or feel any meanness again.

Okay, so how do I do that? How do I shut down, without causing any notice? How do I quit without having to admit to quitting? How do I stay put without anyone noticing that I am not moving forward, pursing my path? How do I ensure that a path will not have any chance of my displaying meanness?

UGH! How am I suppose to figure this out???? I need a break…..I am sick, literally. I am tired, literally (only getting a couple hours of sleep in the last 48). The noise in my brain is deafening. My only option to get my brain to quite down is to play a game. I have about 3 or 4 that rotate through when I need my brain to quite down to a dull roar.

So Game Time It Is……..

Wait……wait…..what was that……..hold on a sec…….to steal a few lines from a song …… it’s so hard to believe…..there were nights so cold…..days when tears turned to dust……I finished crying in an instant…..it’s all coming back…..there were moments….there were flashes…..it was lost long ago…..if you need me like that…..things I would never do again…..always seemed so right…..it was dead long ago…..I can barely recall….but it’s all coming back….hours that went on for days…..when you see me like this …. I see you like that…..we see what we want…..all coming back…..we forgive and forget…..we see just what we want to see….and if we….

Now my brain can put the pieces together and I can see the bigger picture! Now, I know! I am not bad! I am not mean. I am not hateful. I am not some delusional joke.

I am me! I am a good person! I have a big heart! I am nice! At least until someone messes with someone that I care about or pushes me to the end of my rope. I care! Not just about myself, but about others too. I try! I try everyday!

Credit given;Β https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEO4G-rG1wE

Featured Image Credit:Jesus P Hernandez from FreeImages

Letter Never Sent

Dear Love,

I know that I have never been easy. I know that most of the time I have been more than difficult. Each day with you I seem to find another broken piece of me. I knew before you that I was not whole and that I was cracked; but, I never knew just how completely broken I was. I have come to the conclusion that there is no part of me that is not broken. It is simply a matter of just how broken the parts of me are. I have tried to fit my pieces back together, yet, there are so many pieces that I am not capable. I have tried to put up a wall to hide the shattered remains that are my heart and soul, and it falls and crumbles to the ground.

In front of me you stand so solid and strong and complete. You are beautiful. You are perfection. You are everything that I wish I was. You are beautiful and I am plain. You are colorful and I am monochrome. You are strong and I am pieces. You are success and I am ruins. You are the empire and I am the lost. You are the Sun and I am the shadow. You are the Moon and I am the darkness. You are the stars and I am the dust.

So I sit in my corner and try to pick up my pieces. Then the gales blow and they are scattered again. I sit in my corner and try to fit the pieces together. Then the hail comes and knocks them down again. I sit in my corner and try to color my pieces. Then the darkness comes and hides it all. Every time I try, it is not enough.

You are there forever in my view. I am forever in love with you. So I stay in my corner and I keep trying, even when I am lost, even when I am tired, even when I am defeated, even when I am alone. I hope and pray that you see me trying and that it matters to you. I hope and pray that you will be patient with me. I hope that you will not give up on me.

I hope…..

 

Photo byΒ Annie SprattΒ onΒ Unsplash