How Can I Know?

It is ironic how life sometimes chooses to teach us lessons. You are going along with your day to day challenges, trying to be better today than you were yesterday. You finally think that you might be figuring things out. You finally think you have a direction and purpose in life. That you might just have a place in this crazy messed up chaotic world we exist in. And if you are the insanely hopeful you might even had the totally ridiculous idea that your purpose might make a difference, not a whole new world kinda of difference, but maybe just a little tiny ripple in the great big huge pond of life.

And when you feel like you are standing on the ground, even if you know it is only sand and not bedrock, but you are at least standing on the sand and not sinking in it, at least not above your toes….yes, ever the optimist and yes, it is a curse not a blessing; life looks down and sees your beginnings of peace and BAM! She has other ideas for you. How dare you think that you are enough for making a difference, making a change, feeling a level of success and having hope! You are not worthy, have you not paid attention to the things that you do, to how you treat others, to the way you move through the world.

Girl, you’ve got EVERYTHING to learn before you can go thinking that you have any right to do anything that might make a difference in the world. Life laughs at you and muses, ‘what’s that saying about cleaning up your own house before you go trying to tell others how to’….. To say you are messed up, well that would mean that you have made some progress; and let me tell you missy, you have not! You have been deluding yourself, thinking that you are good and nice and helpful!

You say ‘Please.’ and ‘Thank you.’ …… Big F*ing Deal, those are just words! Don’t you know words come in two forms empty and worthless and sincere and truthful! So you have manners, that doesn’t mean that you are nice or sincere or good, it ONLY means that you have manners.

You have a high IQ….. Big F*ing Deal! That doesn’t mean that you know a damn thing! What good is having a foundation if you NEVER build a house?!?! So you have potential, but what have you ever REALLY done with it?

You think you are good and nice…….REALLY!?!?!?! Do tell, I am all ears!!! How many homeless have you helped feed this month? None, oh okay. Well, how many animals have to saved this year? None, again???? Well, I am sure that if we keep going that we can find something, somewhere…….I know, how many books have you read to children this week? None, really? I thought you liked books and reading; you do? Just not sharing them, I see. So your Facebook posts are for others and not yourself, nice! Got that #hashtag activism down I see! How many articles of clothing have you donated this year to the poor? None, again…..but, don’t you have a stack of them in your closet to go, but what you cannot be bothered to make a special trip out of your way for such a thing! Okay, let’s go easy for you…..how much money have your donated to charity this past month? $1 …….. WOW! ONE WHOLE dollar! You must have really gone out of your way for that one! I don’t guess that I have to point out the obvious, considering that you have such a high IQ, do I????

No, trust me, letting the person I respect most in the world, make the observation about how I really am……… well, let’s just say that it certainly got the point across better than a sucker punch!

Yes, life certainly has a way! I, honestly, would have never on my own taken a long hard look at how I interact with others and how that interaction comes off. And seeing it now, well, it has knocked all the wind out of my sails and it has left me dazed and confused to say the least…..but, most of all, I am overwhelmed with shame and guilt that I have believed that I was someone good and honest and sincere, when it was the exact opposite that was true!

Now, the reality or truth…..I have spent pretty much my whole adult life trying to be a better person today than I was yesterday, trying to help others, trying to do good and right, trying to speak up for those that did not have a voice or the courage to use it, trying to support and encourage those around me, those that I love and care about to be happy and be good and follow their dreams and make the world a better place…..for what? To keep pretending that I was good or nice? To hide that I am not?

What is reality or truth? I was told in a PJ Orientation Course that I was right, when I stated that the truth was what one believed. Yet, here I was believing that I was a good person, to find out that I have absolutely NO IDEA, what I am! If I have been so very wrong about my views and my self-awareness for so long, then how can I know what is truth and what is just wishful thinking????

Urge

I got the urge to write today. An urge that I have not had in many months. An urge, that honestly, I thought had been decimated in the chaotic cyclonic conflagration that was my world for most of last year.

As with most of what remains in the aftermath of destruction it does not seem to resemble its old self. So distorted is the appearance that I am not even sure it is what it appears to be. Maybe I am merely caught in the delusion of the eye’s calm beguile and not truly through to the other side. I have that feeling, that sinking one that we get in the very pit of our being, the one that warns of something, something coming, something bad coming.

Am I being overly dramatic? Am I being paranoid? Am I being self-destructive? Am I letting old scars overwhelm me?

This urge, while it has the tool….writing…..it resembles nothing else.

That is not my normal method. I am not a born writer. Writing is not the URGE! Sharing, knowledge, learning, thinking, questioning….that is the URGE. Writing has just become the means by which to exercise the urge. Discourse, dialogue, speaking, listening, conversing could just as easily be the means and even a more desirable one for its intimacy, intensity, immediacy, mobility and emotionality.  But, writing is the one that only requires me and no one else, while the other means requires the attendance and participation of at least somebody or anybody but cannot be accomplished with nobody.

Thus, I wonder, why the urge to write and why today? And what am I supposed to write about?  The about has always been my urge before. It is the topic or subject matter or message that has always created the urge in the past. It was the about that screamed to be told that created the urge that became the writing; not, the writing that created the urge to find an about.

So here I sit trying to figure out  why I have an urge without the about and how to discover the about so that the urge can be relieved and I feel as foreboding as the gray clouds covering the sky in the chill that is so rare for this little town on the river.

Better Words

Lots of times what others say is so much better than whatever I manage; and today I want to share someone else’s much better words……

From the inspiring and provocative mind of Immortal Technique……

Immortal_Technique“I haven’t really spoken on this before but I will now. My father was a hard man. He was really tough on me, physical training, mental exercises, not being able to offer up unsophisticated excuses for what I did wrong. Those of you who know me personally know that the old Colonel was no joke. One day when I was a very young man he pulled me aside, and he said to me sternly, “Don’t ever be a coward my son.” I looked up at him confused at first, but I just listened. He said, “the definition of a coward is a man who is disrespected at the workplace, laughed at in the street, and walked over by the world. But instead of confronting those things, instead of confronting those people. He goes home and takes it out on the one person who is closest to him. That is not a warrior. That is not a man. He has not vanquished a worthy foe. He is a fuckin’ coward. Don’t you ever be a coward my son.” My father doesn’t really curse so to hear him talk like that left me with a strong impression of what it was to be a man. It is not just great strength that guides us, but great wisdom and great love. I have worked funding lots of programs and shelters over the years. Please remember, if you have a problem, you have a problem. However if you have a problem and you don’t tell anyone then you have a really big problem. Talk to a friend. Tell someone you trust. Call a hotline. Remove the cancer. Peace” ‪#‎ImmortalTechnique‬ ‪#‎domesticabuse‬ ‪#‎tellsomeone‬ ‪#‎warrior‬ ‪#‎father‬

domestic violence psa