The Beginning…

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I was and am one of the luckiest people in the world. I have managed to find the best best friend and the most perfect for me partner, both in the same person. This is something that I think we have lost and it explains why divorce has become such a common fact and people deciding to just live together or just date a more common reality. We now have the friend zone and the dating pool and they rarely, if ever, merge and that is a bad thing. If we want the most from a relationship, our best chance of success, we should only look for love in our friend zone! Think about it, these are already the people that we like, that we trust, that we have things in common with. Not to mention they are the ones that have seen our good and bad and are still there. All the things that we say we want from a partner, yet, we look at strangers in the club or on match-making apps for our perfect mate, completely ignoring the best resource closest to us.

Don’t get me wrong! I am not saying to tear through your Friend Zone like Hurricane Andrew through South Florida. What I am saying is that refusing to follow the chemistry and or natural desires just because the other is in your friend zone is setting yourself up for failure. First, if you are true friends, then seeing where dating will lead will not end the friendship. More importantly, if the dating leads to the happily ever after turn off, you have a much greater chance of success since you are friends first.

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My partner and I started as friends first, matter of fact, neither of us wanted more than friendship. And that friendship very quickly ignited into a blazing fire that shot like a rocket to the intersection of No Return and Happily Ever After! And sure because our little embers of friendship blew up into a raging wildfire we did have some growing pains and lots of challenges. Our best advantage for overcoming them all; our foundation was our friendship! No, we were not life long friends, but, we clicked from the “friends” part from the start and we have never lost it or forgotten it. And these prompts from the beginning are more true today than they were then:

An Engaging Conversation . . . . .

The last person that I had a really great conversation with is the same person that I always have really great conversations with, from the first day we met. That person is the love of my life. He is smart and engaging and one of the most interesting people I have ever had the privilege of spending time with. Words are not adequate to properly express how much I enjoy my time with the most important person in my life. I can honestly say that he is the first person that I have ever met that I truly want to spend every minute with. I have met others that I do enjoy my time with them, but I also enjoy my time apart. Not so with my favorite man, I never seem to have enough time to spend with him and unlike others where I knew that the interest was temporary. I cannot imagine ever losing any interest, matter of fact my interest grows everyday. I look forward to every minute with him and I dislike every minute away from him.

If I couldn’t be me with you…..

If I couldn’t be me with you,
I wish to have been a cotton plant
grown and cultivated
to be the finest thread of Egyptian cotton,
dyed your favorite shade of your favorite color.
To be spun into the strongest softest thread,
woven into sheets that wrap around you each and every night….
keeping your dreams safe
surrounding you with love
The nights with you would be the most perfect
I could imagine or hope for.
I would be the envy of every angel in the heavens,
to be able to be so close to you
to feel your skin
to bask in your warmth,
not even heaven could compare to you.

Getting To Know “Us”

We should all have some level of understanding about ourselves. It works best when we know ourselves better than anyone else; however, that is rarely the case. We need to learn about ourselves the same way that we would others. Get to know ourselves by asking questions that we answer about who we are and what we want and what our strengths and weaknesses are. Luckily for some of us, writing prompts can give us some of that and we work on our writing to boot! Win, win for us!

Here are some more of mine, and do not be afraid of the answers, you do not have to put them out in the world like this, they can be just for you, so be honest!

My 10 Best Qualities (well 5 anyway) ……

good listener
I have been told by lots of people that I am a great listener, that they feel they really can tell me anything and I don’t seem to be judgmental or negative in anyway to their issues.generous
If I can help or do for someone, I’m there. I sometimes don’t even think about the cost to me to be there for someone in need.

dependable
I saw an old friend recently that I hadn’t seen since freshman year of high school and she gave me the best compliment that I had had in a long time. She told me that I was the one friend that she always knew would be there for her no matter what.

loyal
If you are my friend, I will have your back no matter what. Sometimes, maybe even when I shouldn’t. I will always be there for you, in any way that I can.

down to earth
I hear that a lot from people that meet me. I just am me so I’m not sure what they truly mean about me being down to earth. No I don’t try to be something that I am not and I do not think that I am any better than anyone else. I just try to do right in all that I do 🙂

My Epic Road Trip . . . . .

I would travel the Panamerican Highway. It traverses two continents from Alaska to Argentina. It is almost 30,000 miles through 14 different countries and numerous climates and ecosystems, with spurs into 5 more countries. What more could one person want in ONE road trip than the diversity of traveling over two continents and seeing every season and experiencing snow covered mountains to hot arid deserts with tropical rain forests and seemingly impassible jungles in between. That would be a trip of a lifetime!!!

On Public Speaking . . . . .

I do not mind public speaking and I am efficient at it. I have competed in impromptu speaking in the past and even won competitions. I am not much for written speeches or memorized speeches. I think the speaker should know the topic that they are going to speak on well enough to speak without needing every word written on paper. I also think that the speaker needs to be flexible enough to read their audience and work with them to the common goal of disseminating the proper and accurate information so that the audience gains knowledge and leaves feeling better informed and even satisfied.
The manner in which the speaker presents his information will assist the audience in gaining the presented information. The speaker should show confidence in their facts and opinions, they should use examples to demonstrate the validity of their case as well as be an engaging conversationalist. The voice of the speaker should be rhythmic and fluid with minimal distractions or interruptions. Another technique that should be employed by the speaker is the use of visual aids to encourage and hold the interest of the audience and thus increase the probability of increasing the knowledge of the audience.

On Abandoned Buildings . . . . .

Creepy cool 🙂 I think that buildings like people have their own character and personality. Some buildings are inviting and tempt the curiosity while others make you cross the street when passing by. I also think that the stories (or lack of) can increase the creepy or cool or creepy cool factor. By nature we are curious creatures so we are always wanting to learn or know something for ourselves. We are also a competitive species and that enhances the natural curiosity of seeing if the ‘stories’ are real. Is the house really haunted? Can you still see the blood on the walls? Is it the wind or ghosts? Sometimes we just want to say we saw where something happened, it can make it real.
Being a history student I find old buildings and places more cool than creepy 🙂 and the older the cooler for me.

On Money and Happiness

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No, money cannot buy happiness. If you are unhappy in your tar paper shack, you will be unhappy in your 6 bedroom mansion. However, money can buy unhappiness. It takes someone well grounded to get money and not let the side effects of money destroy their happiness.
Money is not the root of all evil, money is the tool that evil uses to usurp good; but, it is only a tool and like any tool is for good or evil dependent upon the hand that wields it.
Hopefully, not only does this give you a chance to learn about me and see how little random writing exercises can help with your writing, no matter what your writing goals are; but, that you can also get to know another really amazing person, yourself!
NOTE: These prompt exercises are from July 2013

How To Do When You Can’t Do

We all have our moments in time when we cannot seem to do those things that make us us, that make us happy, that give us satisfaction. Most of us that choose to pursue a course that uses our thing to share with the world and complete us, have phases where it seems like we are spinning our wheels or making no difference at all, that no one notices or cares. During those phases we struggle with continuing to do our thing and sometimes we even stop doing our thing while we are in that phasal funk.

As I have pursued my journey as a writer, I have had my share of funks for various reasons. I have dealt with the voices in my head telling that I am not good enough, or that no one is listening, to life becoming a train wreck and needing to be put back together taking all my time. And once I stop writing for any reason, picking up the actual or virtual pen again and composing the next piece is emotionally and mentally a monumental task! It isn’t a lack of desire to write again, it is truly a physical impairment to get the words down on paper. To get the thoughts to either come when you have pen in hand or to hang around until you get pen in hand.

One of the tools/practices/exercises that I used to get back into writing after one of those funks was a writing prompt sites. I do not remember which one I used to use, but I am sure that there are plenty of them out there with a simple search engine query. The one that I used would give you either a sentence that was more the opening of an answer to an unasked question or a clause to start the sentence. And to be honestly accountable, I did publish them…..

So, what to do with them now that we are merging all my random bits and pieces and D’s intentional pieces together?

I have decided to compile them into a couple pieces….some here and others in another piece or two if need be. I hope that you find them helpful for you on your journey, whatever it is and wherever it takes you.

When the Lights Go Out ….

When the lights go out there are several ways that we occupy our time. It depends on who is home and what time of day it is. If it is daytime then we might pull out board games and play or grab a good book and do some reading. If it is night time then we might pull out the flashlights and tell stories with shadow puppets on the walls or just spend time with each other.

The One Who Got Away

First off there isn’t just ONE that got away. I would have to say that there is not someone that got away that I truly wish I could go back in time and get back because I just know that they were so the right choice that I didn’t make. If I had to pick one choice that I do wish I could go back and redo I’m not sure that I could even do that. I know that had I truly applied myself in high school that I would have had a different life. I know that if I had done for me and not what others wanted me to do and enlisted in the military outta high school my life would be much different. But I didn’t do either of those things and there are things that I have now – – my girls being the best – – that I would never risk over woulda, coulda, shoulda. There truly is no point in what ifing especially if it makes you stagnant. Life is suppose to be about motion even if that means that we have to go backwards or sidewards to get there or even push up against the wall feeling like we are not making any progress. It is all about the journey and I have certainly logged miles in the journey of life.

If I Could Be a Character From a Book, I’d Be…

I would love to be Lara, she is smart, independent, adventurous, and wrapped in a very nice package.
Not to mention that she has all my interests and hobbies. I love history, especially ancient history. I love different cultures and peoples. And traveling is the best experience ever.

What’s More Important …..

‘Im not sure that one is more important than the other. Both elements should contribute to making you a positive and productive person that is happy and contributing to the betterment of your fellow man and community. And as individuals we have different needs to be positive, productive and happy. For me it is more about what I do rather than where I do it. However, there are certain places that after a short while I can feel the drain on my positive energy. Whereas I have been in other places where the energy is more supportive to my productivity and happiness. I feel that when someone gets too bogged down in where the are or what they do – – especially if it is for the wrong reasons they are destined to always feel a certain amount of self lacking. That feeling that something is missing that is because they are not balanced in a positive way. One should work in such a way that they strive for overall balance. I know that we have moments in life that can and do throw us out of balance or tilt our little world in a way that disrupts us and may even knock us off our path and that is okay. We just have to handle that situation to the best of our ability and then work our way back to our path and continue forward. And I even believe that it can be good to change paths when we find that the path we are on is no longer beneficial to us. That is the challenge of life.

A Children’s Book Every Child Should Read….

This children’s book is about the environment on the surface and the message is good; but, it also shows greed and the excess that comes from greed in the market society. It is timeless in its message, this book written in 1971 still speaks the truth that we have not learned yet as a race. You cannot keep taking from mother earth and expect her to remain the same.

Editorial Note: Cassi

WhatsApp Image 2019-02-25 at 13.16.54I am not a very intentional writer. No matter how much of a plan I may have before I sit down to write, I very rarely seem able to finish the planned piece. What I have when I hit the publish button is something that sometimes seems related to my original plan and other times seems like the flip side of the coin, like “today’s” (keep reading).

Then there are the ones that just go completely off the rails and write themselves. That also accounts for my randomness in how and when I publish. Something that I am trying to improve upon. I am not very good at writing for a deadline, even my own. I can not write on command, I have to feel it. I have to feel the need to write, which means that I also have to feel like the words need to be said. No only that, they need to be said in the way that I would say them.

Which, yes, I know, is at odds with the fact that I seem to almost never finish the original planned article. Thus, how can I have to feel the need to write and or the need to speak some thought or opinion or idea my way, if I know that the chances are very good that I will not wholly or entirely, if at all, speak them myself.

WhatsApp Image 2019-02-25 at 13.16.14I guess that is where trust comes in.

Trust in my muse.

Trust in my emotions.

Trust in my feeling/instinct.

Trust in my process.

The challenge is in trusting all those things and still being able to actually be heard. Heard in a world that is altogether too noisy to begin with. Heard in a world that seems to be more interested in insignificant noise. Heard in a world that hears but doesn’t listen.

As part of over-coming these challenges and more, I am trying to be more intentional in my writing while still listening to my feel the need voice and allowing the randomness the flow it needs. The hope is that by opening myself up more with my writing that it will increase the need and that the increased need will result in more content to provide less randomness in the when future articles publish.

2020-03-01 21.37.57 1faceinthecrowd.wordpress.com e257b8aee5e7Another step in over-coming challenges, was the seed of my own thought, in turn watered and nurtured into a seedling by my amazing, loving, supportive partner. I have written in some form for almost 15 years. I began my journey when a friend, K, tried to encourage me to write a book on current political and cultural issues of the time. I was in NO way ready to write a book. I did not believe in myself or my voice at the time. But, I believed in K, so I decided that I would try my hand at blogging.

Thus, politics and current news items of interest around the world were my first topics that I felt needed my voice. It was my belief that it was the duty and responsibility of each citizen to know and understand every thing that Our Country was engaging in around the world in Our Name. It was and is my opinion that as citizens that we have forgotten that governments should be limited in scope for the sake of freedom and that NO government should be so big as to not be answerable to their rightful bosses, the people served by said government. We also seem to have forgotten that we can not have freedom and a full-service government that tells us every little thing we can and cannot do.

2020-03-01 21.40.03 cassimerten.blogspot.com ff84388538faHowever, what I learned over the years was that most people do not want real freedom, as that requires self-sufficiency, as well as, self-accountability. Freedom or free will comes with the price of living with the choices that you make. So I shifted my topics as I realized that I seemed to be the only one caring about all the wrongs in the world and all the erosion of our freedoms and rights happening daily in the name of safety. In addition, my personal life fell apart in a very damaging way.

I lost myself and all that I had built inside me from K’s encouragement. When it was hard enough to hold things together every day, finding time to write was impossible. Add to that, it became self-torture for me to sit down to write pieces about the current state of the nation and the world, which seemed to be as broken and disheartened as I was.

2020-03-01 21.38.54 cassisrandomthoughts.blogspot.com 3f82c27b8011But, I had discovered that writing did give me a certain sense of satisfaction and pride; in addition, I wasn’t half bad at it, either. So, what do I do about it? For awhile, I did nothing. Life and time went on, then I was blessed to meet D. In him, I found someone that I could be comfortable around and that I could trust. Not only that, but D encouraged me to open up and share things that I had not before. See I am a nerd at heart, but I was raised and surrounded by more of the warrior, action-hero in the flesh types, not that I could not hang with them as it went. With D, he actually showed sincere interest in my random nerdiness.

So back to what to do about my desire to write again…with D’s support, and having time I took a chance to share my random nerdiness passion with the world. What is my random nerdiness passion? In very general terms it is history. The older the better and all the topics that go with it! And of course I had been writing some personal pieces as well here. What that meant was that I was up to 3 blogs! Which has recently become 4! (Want to know #4 check out Linux For You And I.)

My varied and random interests and life caused me to have feast and famine cycles with my writing and splitting that 3 ways meant that each area was shamefully neglected. The neglect was such that I felt like the best thing would be to give up my writing lock stock and barrel. And I really did try, more than once, more than twice, more than that. But each time that I did, it eventually would feel wrong, or more I would feel that old have to need again.

That is where the seed to try to link all my writings together more germinated. Yet, it was D that took my little seed and gave me a seedling. And as with any beautiful, amazing grand oak, it will take time and sun and rain and love and patience to get there. Where is there? It is ONE place for all of my writing. ONE place to have all my topics for everyone’s views. I hope that putting all my old blogs (and D’s couple too) in one place that it will make things easier for you to find and enjoy as well as helping me be more intentional in my writing life.

It will happen in steps. Steps that I will take in full view. We will become Random Thought and we will have a new home for everything. We will have a more professional look and higher content quality.

Birthday Bogus

birthdaySo last week was B’s birthday. I have to admit that I am not big on birthdays; I do try to do my best to do something special for those I love on their special day, but, I also try to make sure that I respect the fact that it is their special day and so if they would prefer to spend it with others or alone or doing something else with someone else, then I step back.
I also tend to be the one that no one knows for sure, if at all, when my birthday is. It is not information that I tend to share with others. Personally, I do not see the need. I have no desire to obligate others to behave in some socially dictated way on a specific day towards me that they would have no desire to do on any ordinary day.

Thus, those that know me, know that “no one knows my birthday”, not even most family, the plus side is that no one tends to know my age either, not for sure anyway. The plus there is more of a double edged sword, people treat you either by the age they think you are based on their view of you or they treat you the age they assume people must be to have reached or accomplished certain milestones in life. Thus, there are some that would probably be very surprised to know my age is so “high” or “low” depending on their point of view.

Here’s my issue with society being so focused on birthdays and ages. Birthdays are used to market more consumerism to people. Society implies that we are supposed to party it up on our birthday. Society also stresses the importance of buying and giving gifts on birthdays. In addition, as the numbers increase with each of these celebrations, we are judged by societal milestone beliefs.

You are expected to get your driver’s license on your 16th celebration and there will be questions if you do not.
A lot is made of one’s 18th celebration as well….on that one you are supposed to have the rest of your life planned out.
For your 21st, it is all about being able to legally drink!
Wait a minute, this is your 30th and you are single with no kids?!?!
What is wrong with you??? What are you waiting for??? You do know that your life is over with, right?
Just wait, now it’s your 40th and you are either still single or you a got married to get everyone off your back, so they would think that you really are successful or a normal adult! And that worked so well, that you are now one of the “normal” divorced “middle-agers”!

Usually between that dreaded 40th and or 50th, most people have been judged so much that they question everything about themselves and enter that proverbial “mid-life crisis”! Everyone and their mother has been telling “you” how to live your life and what you should do and what makes you happy so much so, that usually depending on the “you” that you are,
you lose it!

You snap! 

You rebel!

And you start looking for things that actually make you happy or truly excite you and these things make others mad or crazy or upset, but you don’t care, cause you have spent the last “lifetime” caring too much about what others think and even actually believing them that they know best or better or even that they know you, for that matter!
But No More!

What’s the point?
You spent so much energy trying to be part of the rat race.
Worse you have made yourself unhealthy by trying to win a race that is designed to keep you always in the back of the pack.
And now at that time in your life when you should be able to reflect on your accomplishments and take the time to enjoy the fruits of your labor, you are stressing about how you will cover the costs of your retirement, at this point you are well aware of the fact that none of the things that you gave the best of your life to are giving any of it back to you.

Your parents and grandparents worked the same job for their whole ‘careers’ and for their loyalty they got a decent retirement and were able to enjoy their golden years. Then those companies that were built on that loyalty, decided that it was the ‘share-holders’ and not the workers that made the company. The truth was lost to the profit margin! Dividends became the focus instead of the product or service that the company supposedly provided. So much so that we have companies today that make billions and they produce nothing, they sell nothing, they provide no service, yet they make billions. And the workers, they cannot even count on being able to retire, while trust-fund brats from share-holder robbery have never known a day of labor their whole lives.

And there’s your life!
There is where all those “birthdays” got you!
“Another day older and deeper in debt.”

Photo Credit: animatedimages.org

Today Wasn’t It

Triple Chocolate Chip Muffin batter pan
Triple Chocolate Muffins Ready For The Oven

So what do you do when your head hurts too much for you to focus on writing?!?!
If you are me, today…..you Bake!!!

Like a lot of people I suffer from a couple different types of headaches. During season changes I can get sinus headaches from my allergies and I also suffer from migraines.
If you are a fellow migraine suffer then you know that you can actually have what I refer to as levels of migraines….usually, two of them…the ones that you can try to ignore and work through, but you really aren’t…and the full-blown ones, that put you in the quietest, darkest place you can find curled up in a ball, hoping for sleep to cover up the pain and outlast the attack so that you can wake-up and pretend it didn’t happen and hopefully not miss too much in the day or two that you were hiding!

So, today, for me, is one of those days where the pain isn’t enough to make me hide away, but, it is the constant pain that is enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything truly mental. Partly, cause while light and sound is not unbearable it is unpleasant to say the least; thus, staring at a computer screen to write is more than I truly want to endure.  For example this article has taken me several starts and stops, as well as, straight-up breaks and we are only 3 paragraphs in. But, it isn’t only the light of the screen that is an issue, it is that the pain in my brain causes it to just stop thinking. I can be in the middle of writing and it just stops, the thought(s) is gone and nothing replaces it. Neither is good for writing or meeting a deadline!

Triple Chocolate Chip Muffins Baked
Fresh from the oven!

At least we have Triple Chocolate Muffins to console us! Or so I am claiming. I mean we do have them and I am using it to console myself for not starting on the next article for Random Thought, but, I will still need to catch-up in the next 36 hours. Such is the life of migraine sufferers.

And we all find ways to deal with our own issues and quirks and that is a good thing. Sometimes, it can be hard to remember that we all have our own quirks from dealing with our own issues and thus we are not always so ready to make allowances for others, mostly cause we do not stop to think that maybe this is their quirk, we just assume that others are “normal”, whatever that is and have no quirks cause they have no issues. But, we all have own issues!

New Things For A New Year-You-Life

Building-something-newWith the New Year, there are lots of opportunities to start new things and or to restart old things and or to change old things into something new. Currently, I am in the process of doing all three.

First, as you know, I am changing this old blog into something different if not new. I am going to be more open about posts and in doing so maybe provide insight and company where it might not have existed before and enrich it where it was a faint glimmer already.

Secondly, I am rebranding, in a manner of speaking my blog and podcast that focuses on ancient history and other topics that I feel are closely related to my interests in ancient history. That is a slower work in progress. I am still sorting out the hows and whats and whens and wheres. Taking it slow is okay, as the saying goes any step forward is still forward movement.

Lastly, kinda, sort-of, maybe……is the starting of a new blog in the tech area, but for ordinary people and the studying of or improvement of a natural skill set to possibly lead to a new professional adventure. As well as a couple more personal ‘new’ adventures, which I will share at a later date.

Each of us can take each new beginning, whether it be a New Year or new circumstances in life or just a new week or day and make it our new thing, whatever we want that to be. No matter our age or experience or circumstance, we all have the power to make changes, however small they might be at first, that will lead to new things and give us the ability to make more changes leading to more new things.

There are lots of little things that can lead to big changes in our lives that we do have power over. We may not be able to buy the house we want to day, but, we can make a change in the house we have to make it feel new or different. Something that we can all do in that regard is to donate or throw away or sell the things that no longer benefit us. Another easy way to feel like our space is new, is to simply rearrange the things that we have to create a different point of view or flow of energy.

You might be thinking how can that benefit me on a larger scale. Well, having fewer things and letting go of the things that no longer benefit us actually lighten our mental and emotional loads and thus can greatly improve our physical loads, both figuratively and literally. In addition, giving ourselves a new perspective or flow can continue the impact beyond our room or home out into the real world or at least into our outside worlds.

Make very small changes in how you engage the world around you. Take one whole second when you step outside to just stop and breathe in deeply. And then continue one your day. Or take a few extra seconds to just look at the world around you and really see it. This simple gesture will make you more aware of your surroundings and more present in each moment.

Park an extra row out or get off the bus or sub one stop early or ditch the cab one block away and walk those extra steps. Walking provides many benefits to all parts of our self. And will expand our world and provide us with more opportunities and experiences. We might meet new people, find new shops or cafes, see new environments. We will learn something more about places we frequent or work or live by seeing past just their part in our lives and seeing them in their place in their world.

Put your phone on silent or do not disturb for a half an hour or even a whole hour and do something or nothing that does not require that addiction to your phone. Just sit on a park bench or take a nap or go for a walk or read a real book or doodle on real paper with a real pen or pen a real letter. All these things require us to engage different parts of our brain and our bodies and require different muscles and coordination be used to accomplish.

If you pick even just one of these things to accomplish, you will see a much larger difference in your life and world that you can imagine and that will lead to other changes and improvements.

Yes, it can be hard to make even the smallest change, but remember, nothing great comes without some risk and courage. Be we all have that courage to take the risk in us, we just have to dig down into the core of our soul and find it. And take each step, one step at a time. And be proud of each step that you take.

arrows black on whiteIf you have to lighten you load by only letting go of one thing at a time, that is fine, you are still letting go. If you can only walk one extra parking spot, instead of a whole row, fine that is still 10 extra feet. And you can get to a whole row, one spot at a time. And ask for a partner in this. Ask a living companion to also let go and or help you let go. Ask a co worker to walk that extra stop or block with you. Ask friend or family member to be the “no phone” time with you.

Don’t worry about doing it The Right Way, however, you accomplish it is YOUR Right Way!

Photo Credit:    Chicago Agent Magazine
Olivia and Poppy Wallpaper

It’s Okay To Be Okay With Saying No

Yes-No-Okay-MaybeSo I have this, usually not very good for me, habit that I am trying to work on reining in some. And today, I did manage, with the help of my totally amazing and completely supportive partner, to make the choice to not save the world by killing myself and more importantly, being okay with the choice.

See, I think sometimes when we are trying to change or balance some aspect of ourselves, what makes the changes so hard is not the logic or reason behind needing to change, nor is it always about making and following through with the choice. Most of the times what sabotages us is the emotional weight after making and or following through with the better choice.

It is that emotional weight that prevents us from staying the course of making the change that will eventually make us happier and healthier. And while it is not really ourselves not wanting what is best for us, it is about the habit or normalness of what we have been doing for so long to not risk being unhappy because others are unhappy with us.

From birth we have all the outsiders that tell us what is right and wrong, what is good and bad, and even what is best for us. In addition some of these people constantly convince us to change our minds by manipulating us into believing that they know more or better what will make us happier and better people.  Most of the time they are not right, at least not completely and sometimes they are flat out wrong. Now, I am not blaming our loved ones for being bad or mean or anything negative. In most cases, they are merely following the example that they grew up with. Their thought process is that it is the adults’ job to tell the child what to do and how to do and even why to do’ in addition, a lot of times they are also telling the child how to feel about things. And that is the grossest error!

The result is that we grow up and some of us still allow everyone else to tell us how we feel and what we should do to make others happy and how that will supposedly make us happy. The reality is that most of the time it doesn’t make us happy at all, it usually makes us very unhappy.

In general, I think that we are all generous souls. We are after all a very social pack animal. It is one of the reasons that dog is man’s best friend, we are both pack animals and we, at our core, rely on that packness for everything. Thus, I do not think that we need to tell each other how much to give in order to be happy and instead we need to accept what others are willing and able to give and be grateful. And we need to be able to do and give what we are able to in the way that is best for us and others accept that from us.

We need to allow ourselves and others to say No! and we need to be okay and even happy with ourselves and each other when we say No. We need to, also, understand and accept that a single No or even a dozen Noes is not the end of the world. Nor does saying No once or twice or a dozen times make us a bad person.

It really is okay to be okay with saying No.

Photo Credit: tinybuddha.com

Ooo, Let’s Try Something New!

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Sunset on the Danube – Daniel De Jan

I know that I have not posted much over the last who knows how long, but maybe that should change! I think that it is time to get back in the swing of things and even to try some new things! Those of you that do know me, know that I do have other blogs of different topics and no, I have not been active on them either; again, let’s see about changing things!
So what do I mean, change things, I mean to do different things and see where they lead us. I have tried to keep this area personal, however due to me being a private person, I have been very specific about what I have shared here. Maybe, it is time for something of a change. No, I will not suddenly start reveling ALL, just being more balanced in sharing different parts of my world, so that there is a more complete image.

What that means is that some days might be cooking and others are you serious that’s a thing rants and others will be sharing my subjection of the latest occupation of time that my baby has discovered and insists on sharing with me; misery, loveth camaraderie! And lots of things in between.

I hope that you are interested in the new tales that will be spun here and the adventures or misventures as the cases may be! And I hope to be more active on some of my other venues as well and I am even really considering giving you guys something differently new as well. We will see how much time and energy I can manage, in addition to 4 courses, right now that is, and starting a new biz or two, too! Whew! What am I thinking!?!?!?

Iskrena Istina

reflective-thinkingI am one of those people that believes in the good in others and the world. That doing good brings good.

However, I would never tell someone that something bad has happened to that it happened because they are a bad person, then I would tell them, that bad things do happen to good people.

But, then there is the saying when something bad happens to someone ‘bad’, we say they got what they deserved.

Broken Isnt BadAnd I know that we can all relate to the person that seems to always get it all, even though they are the worst person, especially to others.

So, what’s the real truth?
If we do our best to be good people doing good as much as possible, do good things happen to us?

And if bad things happen to us, is it just bad luck or did we somehow deserve it?

What is good? What is bad?

Now to throw another variable into the mix, I totally believe in free will, that we make our own choices. We, alone decide how we behave and how we treat others and what decisions we make. Even when we follow someone else’s advise or direction, it is our own choice to do so. And I also believe that all actions have consequences whether good or bad, seen or unseen.

Missing The Mark BetterI believe in some combination of destiny and making our own way. That while the universe or karma or gods or God might have some higher purpose or plan for us, we decide whether or not to follow it or to fulfill it or to live up to our potential.

But, do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try, you just don’t get a break? That for every step forward that you think you are taking, someone or something comes along and pushes you 2 steps back. Or that you spend more time side-stepping road blocks or naysayers and thus you theoretically stay in the same place instead of getting closer to your dreams.

chasing dreamsAre you ever confused about what your dreams really are? Do you doubt why you are doing what you are doing? Are the dreams you are chasing yours or the ones you have been told by others to follow? What if you have been following the dreams others told you were yours for so long that you have no dreams of your own? How do you create or discover your own dreams?

Then what? What if by luck you think that you figure out what your dream is, what do you do with it? How do you realize it? How do you make your dream the focus of your life? How do you have a good life reaching your dream in a world whose only focus seems to be money? Unless the dream is only to be rich; but, then again, how?

truth next exitIf you have read this far, then you may be asking yourself, so what is the honest truth that she is talking about?

The truth is, that if any of what I have said resonates with you, you are not alone! And if you do not have answers to any of the above dilemmas, again, you are not alone!

I have been trying to figure out a lot of the above questions and find the right answers to them and so far I do not feel like I have any of them. And while, I tend to be a very private person about my own struggles, and prefer to do what I can to help others, maybe I can try to share some of my struggles in hopes of helping out someone else with their own. If providing nothing more than a feeling of not being alone in this!

Through Purgatory And Back

So as you may remember, I was accused of being ‘not nice to people different from me’. When the charge was leveled, I was completely shocked. I was dumbfounded. I was lost. I was confused. I was destroyed. I was numb. I was everything. I was nothing.

My mind and heart both split in two. No, I could not be mean and hateful and not know it. No, the accuser could not be wrong. I was spiraled into purgatory.

In the first few hours that followed, I raked my brain for EVERY instance of ‘meanness’ that I could come up with……and I was falling VERY short of a statistical pattern to support the charge. But, as the destroyed numbness wore off…. I HAD to know the truth….I HAD to find the answers……

I changed my focus……my accuser could NOT be wrong…..thus to prove their accuracy, I HAD to find evidence that could and would support their charge. And with that focus and determination, over the ensuing hours I found TONS of evidence to support their charge. I was able to turn just about every interaction with others into at least a borderline if not a full-blown support of their charge.

So, with that information in my mental hand, I proceeded to rip myself to shreds….And trust me, I am an expert at self-destructive shredding! By the time that I was finished with myself, whatever ego/self-confidence/self-worth/sense of purpose I had had was a crying, whimpering, fetal position, ball of nothingness.

Then came the ‘what now’ or ‘what’s next’ phase of the process……so if I hold my findings to be the honest truth, where does that leave me? What does that mean? What does that say about me? How can I expect to do or be better if I never saw my meanness from the beginning? You will shut down. You will quit. You will not move forward. You will not continue down the path that you were taking. You will not pursue any path till you can find one that will ensure that you will not display or feel any meanness again.

Okay, so how do I do that? How do I shut down, without causing any notice? How do I quit without having to admit to quitting? How do I stay put without anyone noticing that I am not moving forward, pursing my path? How do I ensure that a path will not have any chance of my displaying meanness?

UGH! How am I suppose to figure this out???? I need a break…..I am sick, literally. I am tired, literally (only getting a couple hours of sleep in the last 48). The noise in my brain is deafening. My only option to get my brain to quite down is to play a game. I have about 3 or 4 that rotate through when I need my brain to quite down to a dull roar.

So Game Time It Is……..

Wait……wait…..what was that……..hold on a sec…….to steal a few lines from a song …… it’s so hard to believe…..there were nights so cold…..days when tears turned to dust……I finished crying in an instant…..it’s all coming back…..there were moments….there were flashes…..it was lost long ago…..if you need me like that…..things I would never do again…..always seemed so right…..it was dead long ago…..I can barely recall….but it’s all coming back….hours that went on for days…..when you see me like this …. I see you like that…..we see what we want…..all coming back…..we forgive and forget…..we see just what we want to see….and if we….

Now my brain can put the pieces together and I can see the bigger picture! Now, I know! I am not bad! I am not mean. I am not hateful. I am not some delusional joke.

I am me! I am a good person! I have a big heart! I am nice! At least until someone messes with someone that I care about or pushes me to the end of my rope. I care! Not just about myself, but about others too. I try! I try everyday!

Credit given; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEO4G-rG1wE

Featured Image Credit:Jesus P Hernandez from FreeImages

I’ll Go

Hi, I am Cassi, and I am an over-thinker! Yes, that’s me. I always have been, more so as I have gotten older. I guess it comes from my overly curious nature. I ALWAYS want to know EVERYTHING about something! And if something happens in my world/life, then I want to know all of the why did that happen!

I admit that I am not so much a ‘What If’er’ but after the fact I will replay and dissect and analyze and ponder and wonder every part of every conversation or action or whatever that happened. I am constantly thinking. I have had people ask me, how do you have time to think all the things that you come up with? Easy, my brain is always pursuing multiple lines of thoughts. I have a very hard time shutting my brain off.

I jokingly ‘confess’ to people that I have a chaotically random brain. Most people do not like to have conversations with me and I get that. I mean seriously, how many people want to maybe do the ‘polite’ ‘social’ small talk of weather knowing that it is liable to end up in a plethora of questioning genome dispersal in disassociation to dogma ‘out of Africa’ migration movement. And yes, my brain can easily make the connections from ‘nice weather we’re having today’ to genome dispersal.

Thus, I make every effort to keep my mouth tightly guarded. Over the years I have been fortunate enough to meet a couple people that seemed to be intrigued by my mental aerobatics, and I have been very thankful for those couple of people, even when life diverged our paths. Even more so, due to the fact that if even intrigued, I am sure that I am still VERY much a challenge to deal with.

My solution is to try not to interact too much with people, cause the desire to have these conversations is overwhelming at times. The flip-side is that I am SO happy when I am blessed with someone that actually wants to engage me in conversation, that I can become like a broken damn.

As if all that isn’t enough to make me ‘weird’ enough, I have never been good with the social/relationship games; and, that can lead to all kinds of issues. If I am comfortable with you and like you then I have the awful tendency to say just what comes to my mind without always thinking it through first. Ironically, to be such an over-thinker, I am a very spontaneously, impulsively, emotional Girl! And that is a challenging combination.

Add to that that I am a really good friend. A loyal, to the point of stupidity, friend. An ALWAYS there for you no matter what, where, or when friend. An “I don’t just have your back, but I will jump in front if someone messes with you” friend. And, honestly, you do not even have to be a good or close friend for that …… they get that tenfold ….. and a best friend…… well, that is tenfold of that.

So where am I headed with all this rambling…… in today’s world I have ALL the wrong qualities and none of the right ones. I am not rich or beautiful. I don’t wear designer clothes or have lots of things. I don’t even wear make-up or style my hair (other than a ponytail or braid). I am the proverbial fish out of water.

I admit that I see the world entirely from a different point of view than most people do. The things that matter to me, do not matter to most people and vise versa. And overall, I am okay with that, in fact I am kinda proud of that fact. That being said I know that no one around me is proud of that fact about me. Matter of fact, they all seem to almost despise that fact about me. But, I digress.

As I stated previously, I have prided myself, not on being the richest or the prettiest or the most successful or the most/best whatever’est, but on being a good person and with that a good friend. That might, okay, it usually means that I am the ‘different’ friend, the one that reacts differently or sees things that no one else sees. Cause, if I have made the effort to call you friend, you matter to me; your health matters to me; your joy matters to me; your dreams matter to me; in short, your everything matters to me.

What does that mean? It means that more than likely, I am your biggest fan, your most active supporter, your most ardent defender, your most gung-ho protector. Not that you may need me to be any of those things, nor that I think you need me to be any of those things; but, because in my mind and heart that is what you do for a friend.

Yes, I get that most people do not do a lot of those things or think that way about their friends; nor do they expect any of the above from their friends either. And it should be stated that I do not expect it from those that call me friend. However, that knowledge will not stop me from being who I am when I consider you friend. I, honestly, think that fact loses me friends. But that’s life. It certainly, upsets friends when I do display any of those qualities, unless the friend has actually asked for the quality to be used/displayed/given, then, it is usually much better received.

All things considered, I try to take the good with the bad; not just in others but in myself as well. Like, in this post, I wondered off topic somehow and never got back around to the point that I wanted to make……so I will have to find that point again and the thoughts going with that point for next time.